Posted in 2019, emotions, God, Love, Love Journey, My Journey, poem, Poetic, Poetry

Pulling Me Back

I don’t want to think of you
I’m trying to let go
You keep pulling me back
I don’t want to hurt anymore
I’m trying to see my future without you
You keep pulling me back
I’m sitting here
With regret and frustration.
But deep down I know it’s you I want.
You may not be what I need.
But that’s between me and God.
You came in my life
When I was ready for love
When I needed someone
I was so ready to give up
But the way you stepped to me
Stop me in my tracks.
But you turned out to be a tornado
Destroying everything
From my walls
That been up for the past few years
I’m losing the battle
And I can’t have that.
You keep pulling me back
I’m trying to fight my feelings
My heart
Isn’t having it.
My head is saying run
I’m stuck
In my feelings
I’m trying to come to terms
With my emotions and let’s just say
You making it easy to turn my back
And walk away.
But I know deep down
I can’t just walk away
Without expressing how you make
Me feel.

8.7.19

~PJ

I have been writing a lot lately and here is one of my pieces just finish last night. Do enjoy and let me know what you think. God Bless

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Posted in 2019, God, Heart, Love, poem, Poetic, Poetry

Patient

Me Praying God this man doesn’t make a fool of me.
Asking God spare my heart just in case
Telling my future self love is worthy
I’m more than enough
Encouraging my sister’s self-love the way to go.
Never losing ourself to someone who never saw our worth.
Taking time see what’s right in front of us.

7.22.19

~PJ~

I know still have an update to do, but got encourage to write short poem. Do enjoy and God Bless

Posted in 2019, AWARENESS, chronic illness, Health, Heart, Mini Update, My Journey, My Life, Sickle Cell Anemia, Sickle Cell Awareness, Update

Living With Sickle Cell Anemia

Hello, and Welcome back to my world. What a day I had. What I hate about doctor offices is to wait. I did mention had an appointment both days. Let’s just say Monday was a waste of time and gas. They went prepared for my arrival and didn’t want to see me because they didn’t have paperwork from the hospital, which I didn’t understand. You knew about for over two weeks. Always away from that. I arrive on time for both appointments. They did apologize but still, I was not happy. You are my primary doctor so it wouldn’t kill you to finally see me in person. Nope, I see my other doctors more then I see primary. Haven’t even met her yet. Yea something wrong with that pic big time. My sickle cell doctor was the most important for me to see. I had called in the week before explaining to them what had happened when I was in the hospital. I wanted blood work and wanted my results. She set everything up for me. Soon as the appointment was over went next door to the hospital to get labs drawn from my port. So back to my appointment, hadn’t been seen since Feb. She was like you good. I know I haven’t mentioned here before. I have changed my diet. I went keto and it has helped me a lot. Kept me out of the hospital. Lost over 60lbs. When on chemo meds for my sickle cell I had gained weight and couldn’t lose it. Then the new meds for sickle cell. It was making my head and back hurt. And I couldn’t deal so I stopped it. I had to first help myself and I have done just that. I honestly did my research for about 4/5 months before I went for it. I don’t have a gallbladder. Anywho back to my appointment.she check my heart and says sounds good. She asks me about meds she wanted me to start last time for my kidney. Told her I hadn’t started it yet. Since my body is doing overtime then a person without sickle cell. So she changes the mg since I’m smaller and started it last night. Never happy about trying a new medicine. So next visit we will see how everything looking. I’m putting it in God’s hand that everything is good and I won’t have to take it forever. I was glad I didn’t have a long wait for a tech come do my port. She was a nice woman and we talk while she did it. I always like to get to know whoever is dealing with me. I hate for my port get infected. I finally got my result around 5 and no new antibodies praise God. White counts were good. Retic little high but it’s be expected since my counts 7.6. It’s the best but it for sure not the worse. Praise God. Also, find out my bones in my back are deteriorating. It explains a lot when I’m going into crisis. Just a few days ago, I couldn’t move because I was hurting so bad. I read other sickle cell patients having the same problem. But so wasn’t expecting I had it. With so many people dying from my illness. I want to share my illness with y’all. Until next time pray everyone doing good. Stay Bless

Posted in 2019, fight, Heart, poem, Poetry, Strength, strong

Staying Away

I’m staying away.
I refuse to hear any bad news
My heart
Can’t seem to grip reality
I know I need to be strong
But my body won’t let me
I gotta stay away.
My heart can’t take bad news.
I’m believing you
Going to make it
Your strong woman.
You won’t give up.
I can’t see you in that bed.
So many times i
Wanted to pick up the phone
And hear your voice.
Always had some kind
Of excuse not call.
I wish I had called more.
Came around more.
I just know
You coming home soon
I’m sorry.
I didn’t do right by you.

5.7.19

~PJ~

I wrote this a few hours before got the news she passed away. Still, so hard believe she truly gone. God Bless

Posted in 2019, Heart, Love, Love Journey, My Journey, My Love Journey, poem, Poetry

To be healed

I had to wait for my heart to heal.
I had to forgive myself
I had to learn to love me again
I never realize the hell you took me
Through
I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.
I hated everything you took me through
I had to wait for my heart to heal
Boy you broke me
You destroy everything I was.
I had to learn to love me again
I had to have chat with myself
Teach myself you are worthy
I had to show myself
Who I was
That I was worthy
To be love
Boy
You showed me how strong I could be
Once reality kicked in.
I saw me returning to the strong woman
I once was.
I just had to wait
I had to learn to forgive myself
I just had to wait
To my heart heal
And I felt my worth
It was amazing
Feeling
To know my worth
To be loved
The way I loved you.
It’s an amazing feeling
To be healed

4.27.19

~PJ~Day 27. Feels good to express myself more and more after not writing for almost 2yrs. Do enjoy God Bless

Posted in 2019, Heart, Love, Love Journey, poem, Poetry, Relatonships

Faded Love

I use to love you
You use to love me
You use to make me feel so good.
Our love was unimaginable.
You use to be my heart
You use to be my everything.
Our love was for the books
Things change
We grew apart
We went our separate ways.
We use to have mad love
All we do is a fight
You use to be my man, and I was your woman.
Our love
Was one in million
Our love has faded away.
What happened to us
To make us go our sperate ways.
We use to be lovers
You were my best friend,
What happened to our love
We use to be so in love.
What happened
To our love

4.11/12/13.19

~PJ~

Day 13 a poem I started a few days ago but got bless with another poem while in church. Do enjoy and God Bless

Posted in 2019, Heart, Journey, Love, Love Journey, Relatonships

Happy Valentine Day

Today is Valentine Day. Some see this day as to share your love with your other half or someone you may be crushing. We who know we share our love for them every day just not on Feb 14.

I may be single but I’m here wish everyone a happy valentine day, pray you to continue to share love all year around. For many who have read my Love journey. I truly believe we should love ourselves first before we love another. If we can’t do that, how are we going love someone else? I love seeing the different post all over social media. Some may be just for show and some are real. One day I pray have just that.

Do you know what love is? There no greater love then God. I believe a mother love is next powerful love anykne can experience.

Posted in 2018, family, fight, Love, Mother, poem, Poetic, Poetry, Pray, Trust

A mother

What’s a mother.

I may not be one yet, but I do know

What one is because what my mother shows me every day.

Trust we may not get along all the time.

But one thing for sure she never turns her back on her kids.

A mother

Prays for you

Teach you right from wrong

Love you

Be there for you no matter how bad you mess up.

A mother you say.

Visit here and there

Isn’t what make you a mom.

Saying I love you but not

Doing what you should for them

Yea they say you carry them

But are you raising them?

Are you showing them the correct way how to be a mother?

A mother huh?

Can you remember a time

You stayed up with them through

Night.

Maybe sitting at the kitchen table trying figure out a math problem.

A mother job is never done.

Walking out on your kid/kids

Because things got rough.

You were dedicated to the streets then

Your babies.

A mother

Isn’t you.

But hey I’m a sit back and watch

Things unfold.

A mothers love is

Unbreakable.

To be one.

You need to learn love like

No other.

Fight like it’s your last breath

Take that last mile

To show them

I love you.

9/24/18

PJ

Not really finish yet. Seems to be missing something.