I don’t want to think of you
I’m trying to let go
You keep pulling me back
I don’t want to hurt anymore
I’m trying to see my future without you
You keep pulling me back
I’m sitting here
With regret and frustration.
But deep down I know it’s you I want.
You may not be what I need.
But that’s between me and God.
You came in my life
When I was ready for love
When I needed someone
I was so ready to give up
But the way you stepped to me
Stop me in my tracks.
But you turned out to be a tornado
From my walls
That been up for the past few years
I’m losing the battle
And I can’t have that.
You keep pulling me back
I’m trying to fight my feelings
Isn’t having it.
My head is saying run
In my feelings
I’m trying to come to terms
With my emotions and let’s just say
You making it easy to turn my back
And walk away.
But I know deep down
I can’t just walk away
Without expressing how you make
I have been writing a lot lately and here is one of my pieces just finish last night. Do enjoy and let me know what you think. God Bless
Hello and Welcome to My World. It’s been a week since I been home from 8-day stay. God is good. I was a worry for a while. Where should I start? Come to find out the accident put me in crisis. Not sure if I mention the ride to my check up on my hip. Let’s just say that ride was hell. My body was so on fire. Let’s just say I was glad I had arrived at the doc office but not really because I had to get an x-ray and I was already hurting. It took prob 10 mins to sign in and sit and wait to be called. I saw a person dress half-naked and I was like hope she doesn’t have sickle cell. We don’t like cold. A lot goes through my mind when I’m hurting while trying not to think of my pain. I got called to let’s just say I was not happy about getting back up and walking again. Finally made it to the back and let’s just say things weren’t going good. Got on the scale and went in a room and did that good stuff. Waited quietly for nurse practitioner and we’ll let’s just say it went to hell. She walks in and was like I have never seen you like this before. Oh, and I didn’t look good. I tried to hide how I was feeling but when you in pain it was hell. So she was like can u get on the table. Let’s just say had said a prayer before got up. And it went straight to hell. I didn’t want to be touch and it turned to move and tears fell. She was like yep never seen you like this going direct admit you. Let’s just say it didn’t go that way because the hospital was full. I was in the hallway in er part for 2 hrs before got meds and let’s just say it was supposed to be iv meds and got the pill. You guess it, it didn’t work. You would think a big hospital with 9 floors would have room. But nope. Anywho our waiting 6hrs in the hall to be admitted. Finally got put on the 5floor and settle in. Guess who hadn’t eaten all day till got in room at 5 or 6? Me. I had some great nurses and doctors. Seem always do when I’m in that hospital. It’s like every few years. I stayed on 5 floors, think maybe 2days. Things started going bad and oxygen was dropping and seem my lungs weren’t looking good. I ended up with acute chest, which can kill us. After I heard that was wrong. Started to panic but just prayed and became calm and call parents to let them know what’s going on. They couldn’t be with me since dad was in the hospital. Hey, I’m grown and actually like been alone. Long as I can call them and hear there voice everything going be ok. I got a move to.9floor pcu. That’s how serious things went and quick. The doctor had asked me have I ever had acute chest and I said yes once. She was like did you have cheat pain. I said no. That was alarm and she did an x-ray and come find out she was right. I had good nurses on 9 floors. They stayed on top of pain, before getting a move to the floor. Meds had got up to iv meds. Actually when sickle cell doctor find out what board said and let the doctor know. Guess she talk to them and things got to change and quick. Been on 9floor and receiving bags and bags of antibodies. Sighs. So wasn’t happy about that. Let me be real, it had been months since had pain meds. I like to go months without my pain meds if I don’t need it. Guess body wasn’t used to it and I didn’t feel like myself. I don’t know-how made it from bed to chair get comfortable. Why do they have beds that move in the hospital? Like you have been suck in. I know what into door few times going to. bathroom. Sucks when you getting fluids as well. It’s like hey let’s go to the bathroom, even after you just went. I hate sleeping with oxygen in the nose, and when came to checking and it was low they knew why. Got to the point when I did get out bed go the bathroom I wouldn’t put it back on. Let’s move on from the depressing part. Believe I was on 9 floors 3 almost 4 days. I was glad to be leaving the floor. That means I’m out of danger. Oh almost forgot to mention hip results, everything came back ok and not damage. Just bruise. Omg, I was so happy. Few days that pain was gone, just other stuff had worry about. I moved to the 4 floors once leaving 9 one. A couple of days there and I was a free woman. Lol. On the second day when met doc n, not his partner. My room was full n had student doctors. Let’s just say I’m good on all them looking at me and the room was full. He asks was it ok and said no and he sent them out. Thank God. It’s a plus when the doctor listens to you on everything from how you feel and what you take for pain. They were surprised to find out what I had been doing for pain. I may have a serious illness, but I don’t want to be defined by it. On my good days, I don’t think of having sickle cell. You probably thinking to say what. We like being treated like we’re normal like everyone else who’s not living with chronic illness. Oh, yea almost forgot I did end up getting 1 unit of blood, let me just say I really didn’t want it because of what happened last time. Guess went good, I did scratch but that because of meds. I didn’t get blood till I was in my low 5’s and was getting headache and feeling very weak and tired. My mom had talk sense into me when it came to getting the blood. The way she did it was the only way I was going agree. What would we do without our parents? Well whew, that was a lot to type and sorry it took so long on update. My dad is doing much better, not passing out when he cough anymore. He still coughing but they have him on some meds to help with passing out. He has started his meds for his cancer as well. Well, thank you for being patient and sticking with me on this journey. God Bless until next time.
Dating with chronic illness. When do you let them know about it? I always have kept it to myself for so many years. The last person that was in my life understood what I went thru because he had someone in his family with the same illness. Do living with sickness stop yall from dating? Everyone doesn’t deserve to know. And everyone cant handle just what we go through on a daily. I have debated with this question in my head for so long. I’m at the point and saying screw love and my journey. I have had two friends tell me I’m wrong to think like that. Who knows maybe they’re right. I can’t hide behind my illness.
~TO BE CONTINUED~
Hey and Welcome to my world, for some Welcome Back. What a day I had. Finally got to meet my primary doctor and so far I must admit I like her. I’m so not a morning person and I had to be a walk in person. OMG! So had to be there at 8 this morning. Sighs. You guessed it still had wait be seen. Sighs. I hate the doctor office for that reason. Waiting! Got to the back prob before 10. Gave them all my information and told them why I was there. As some of you may know I have a nasty little cold and she orders x-ray that plan get tomorrow after my doc appointment. Since I have sickle cell we trying make sure it doesn’t turn into acute chest or pneumonia. Who knew meds for something else could give me a cough that evolves into a nasty one. In the back of my head, I’m saying duh. Lol. Anywho we made the visit sweet was the student doctor working with her. I’m not fond of students working under nurses or doctors. But she actually surprises me with the questions about how she can be a better doctor when dealing with sickle cell patient. So gave her a few of things I been through and how I have been treated. She sat and listen to me talk. I pray she never change from listening to her patients. I even gave her my blog link. I explain to her so many people still don’t know what sickle cell is. Before actually open up to her I as if she knew what it was she just knew the basic of what’s in the book. You would think after all these years they would update the information. Still not my best but hoping the meds help. Will keep y’all updated as I go. Have Eye appointment tomorrow. Until next time God Bless
Today is Sickle Cell Awareness Day. I know I have mentioned it so many times on my blog and the different things I go through with dealing with this disease. Lately, all I see on Facebook is how they are getting treated. Some of yall may have never heard of the disease. Well, today is the day I explain what it is. If you want to know more keep following me on my journey and google as well. I never thought people would care about what I go through.
Whats sickle cell anemia.
It’s an awful hereditary blood disease. You can be fine one minute and the next you not. Years ago we didn’t see the age of thirty. Wow what a mighty God we serve, some may not see that age today and some are seen age all the way up to there 80s. When in crisis is turns your blood into crescent making it unbelievable to move because of oxygen not reaching that area. Normal blood cells look like doughnuts. Let’s be real for a second this is a dangerous disease it affects all your organs. Since its heredity disease. It can affect all your kids are just one or two. My parent had five of us, only two of us was diagnosed with this disease and the rest trait. They didn’t start testing babies to till the late 80s. For some many years, I was told and so many around us that sickle cell was a black disease, I believe it to join sickle cell groups on facebook. Wow, the many faces behind this evil disease showed me the truth. Since 2008 they have recognized sickle cell as a global public health priority in order to raise awareness to sickle cell. With that been said its still not much awareness. So many people still don’t know what sickle cell is. I hope by joining my journey it opens someone eyes and hearts up.
When looking for love and dating. How do yall feel about them calling you sweetie, baby, sexy, etc? I’m not fond of it, just be honest. You don’t know me so don’t come at me with sweet talk. I feel like we have let them pass because we think its cute are whatever reason may be. Sweet talking doesn’t work on me. What happens to talk to the opposite sex with respect? If you correct them they want to call you a female dog. Why should I lose my worth because they have lost their dang mind on the correct way speak to me with some sense. Am I wrong for thinking like that. Fellas how do yall feel about woman calling yall sexy, handsome, etc?
I never saw myself giving online dating a chance. And let me just tell you it’s not all that is cracked up to be. Some of the profiles are a joke and make you wonder why you even here. I have to take many breaks. If you have done online dating what did you look for are should I say did you know what you were looking for.? I ask that because you can say what you looking for and still the crazy ones won’t come at you sideways. I do know what I want, I don’t believe I find him online. But who knows God may place him in my path.
~TO BE CONTINUE~
Hello, and Welcome back to my world. What a day I had. What I hate about doctor offices is to wait. I did mention had an appointment both days. Let’s just say Monday was a waste of time and gas. They went prepared for my arrival and didn’t want to see me because they didn’t have paperwork from the hospital, which I didn’t understand. You knew about for over two weeks. Always away from that. I arrive on time for both appointments. They did apologize but still, I was not happy. You are my primary doctor so it wouldn’t kill you to finally see me in person. Nope, I see my other doctors more then I see primary. Haven’t even met her yet. Yea something wrong with that pic big time. My sickle cell doctor was the most important for me to see. I had called in the week before explaining to them what had happened when I was in the hospital. I wanted blood work and wanted my results. She set everything up for me. Soon as the appointment was over went next door to the hospital to get labs drawn from my port. So back to my appointment, hadn’t been seen since Feb. She was like you good. I know I haven’t mentioned here before. I have changed my diet. I went keto and it has helped me a lot. Kept me out of the hospital. Lost over 60lbs. When on chemo meds for my sickle cell I had gained weight and couldn’t lose it. Then the new meds for sickle cell. It was making my head and back hurt. And I couldn’t deal so I stopped it. I had to first help myself and I have done just that. I honestly did my research for about 4/5 months before I went for it. I don’t have a gallbladder. Anywho back to my appointment.she check my heart and says sounds good. She asks me about meds she wanted me to start last time for my kidney. Told her I hadn’t started it yet. Since my body is doing overtime then a person without sickle cell. So she changes the mg since I’m smaller and started it last night. Never happy about trying a new medicine. So next visit we will see how everything looking. I’m putting it in God’s hand that everything is good and I won’t have to take it forever. I was glad I didn’t have a long wait for a tech come do my port. She was a nice woman and we talk while she did it. I always like to get to know whoever is dealing with me. I hate for my port get infected. I finally got my result around 5 and no new antibodies praise God. White counts were good. Retic little high but it’s be expected since my counts 7.6. It’s the best but it for sure not the worse. Praise God. Also, find out my bones in my back are deteriorating. It explains a lot when I’m going into crisis. Just a few days ago, I couldn’t move because I was hurting so bad. I read other sickle cell patients having the same problem. But so wasn’t expecting I had it. With so many people dying from my illness. I want to share my illness with y’all. Until next time pray everyone doing good. Stay Bless
Does love truly find us in odd situations? Do we find it or go looking for it? Do we wait? I was always told We first got to help ourselves. Is that true when looking for love? Or does that mean we should discover who we are, or get ourselves out into the dating world? Can we truly find love online? I decided to give it a try. I don’t have high hopes for it. It’s good and bad in every situation when dealing with dating. How do you know when to go for it or step away. I’m putting my FAITH in GOD. He’s going to lead me. I also wonder if love could be really for me.
~TO BE CONTINUE~
Getting my toes wet and seen what it’s all about. Join me on my Journey, do share some of your experience are thoughts with me. Until next time. God Bless
I had to wait for my heart to heal.
I had to forgive myself
I had to learn to love me again
I never realize the hell you took me
I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror.
I hated everything you took me through
I had to wait for my heart to heal
Boy you broke me
You destroy everything I was.
I had to learn to love me again
I had to have chat with myself
Teach myself you are worthy
I had to show myself
Who I was
That I was worthy
To be love
You showed me how strong I could be
Once reality kicked in.
I saw me returning to the strong woman
I once was.
I just had to wait
I had to learn to forgive myself
I just had to wait
To my heart heal
And I felt my worth
It was amazing
To know my worth
To be loved
The way I loved you.
It’s an amazing feeling
To be healed
~PJ~Day 27. Feels good to express myself more and more after not writing for almost 2yrs. Do enjoy God Bless