Posted in 2020, Death, grieve, My Journey, My Life

How to grieve

Is there appropriate way to grieve for someone you lose? Do you rush someone to move on when they lost there love one? I understand not going into depression over it. We have to pray for them not demand they move on. I had a talk with someone about it and they getting mad cause someone seems to be sleeping there life away. Please don’t tell me you understand when you don’t. Don’t tell me it’s going get better. Don’t tell me you going be there for me and you don’t. Don’t ask me what do I or the family need. I notice when you lose a love one, and after the funeral they calls stop. What happens afterwards when we still grieving and wishing our love ones still here. What happen to the calls the showing of love? Does it all go in vain and was you m lying to them? What happen when we start to struggle and lose our way. Can we call on you when we drowning and our hell and wonder if we ever going get out of it. So many unanswered questions. I’m so thankful for the people who understands where I’m coming get from and don’t sit and lie to me. Who says after so many odd years they still miss them and thinking of them and it doesn’t get any easier. Stop lying to us and saying it’s going to get better. Just be real and let us grieve the way we want. Pray for us and keep reaching out and checking in. Just be a friend or a family. What I come to realize after losing my dad, is family is BS. They like to show there assume and it the worse possible way. If only the person who we grieving the was alive you wouldn’t act the way you act and turn your back on family. When grieving we go though so many emotions. It’s really many steps to grieving.

Question is how do you grieve? Have you ever had anyone tell you to get over it? What do you do when a love one tells you how to grieve ? So many emotions run thru me when people try to tell me how I feel. Do share your thoughts on the matter.

Posted in 2020, Love, Love Journey, My Journey, My Life, poem, Poetry, Relatonships

Toxic Love

Your love is toxic
You so immature
I see why you always getting played.
That toxic love.
Is not for me
Im not about the games.
Go play and run them mind games on simple females.
Im, not the one
Toxic Love
Are you!!!

4.14.20

~PJ~

Usually, my poems are longer but this one was how and what i feel at the time. Do enjoy it and let me know what you think. God Bless

Posted in 2020, chronic illness, Health, life, My Journey, My Life, Sickle Cell Anemia

Day 3, Living With Sickle Cell

Hello and Welcome back to my world. I’m still here and hoping to go home tomorrow. Thankful my counts are coming up on its own. I said counts were 7.7, I meant it was 7.2 and now counts are at 7.7. I’m still having a good doctor on my team. My pain isn’t as bad as it was when I came in so I’m thankful for that. My legs hurting but they starting to ease some. I’m looking into new meds for my illness. Waiting hears back from them. My nurse practitioner told me about it a few weeks ago. It was either the pill one or the iv one once a month and had to drive so that was out the question. I have the doctors asking me about taking the cancer meds again. But I’m good. Some doctors dont know its more meds out there for my illness. Be doing another post about the. We meds. Waiting to see if my insurance approves it. Until next time. God Bless

Posted in 2020, Heart, Love, My Journey, My Love Journey, poem, Poetic, Poetry, Relatonships

When is you going wake up??

When are you going wake up
And see I dont want anything from you.
All I want is your time and heart.
Im not asking for your change.
You got a woman who cares for you
Spiritual, mental and emotionally
When you going wake up
To see Im not here for the fame
Im not here for your money
Im here cause I care.
I worry for you
Can you sense it?
I done fought for you so long
When are you going to wake up?
I dont fight
I just walk
But you made a mark in my life
Damn
Maybe I need a wake-up
And see you trying let old you come to play
Im stubborn and like learn on my own
Me waking up
It is like you taking heed to what im saying.
Can you feel what im saying?

4.4.20

~PJ~

A poem dedicated to poetry month and for yesterday and today. Welcome to my crazy love journey. Looks like I’m telling my story backward. Do enjoy and God Bless

Posted in 2020, fight, Love, My Journey, My Life, My Love Journey, poem, Poetry, Relatonships

Never Knew

I never knew how deep my love.
Could be for another man
Its crazy cause after the last
I was done with fuckery and
Knew damn well my heart couldn’t
Be touch again after shutting down
After my last mistake
That really took me back to the old
Me.
Cold-hearted
But you..
What can I say..
Our first interaction was EPIC!!!
Till this day I can’t get it out my head.
Damn a TAURUS at that
That should have been a warning
But im stubborn and warnings is
Like a GO for me.
I can name other reasons
But what’s the point.
I love how you became a person
I could count on without me realizing it
I love how you sneak your way in
Without me knowing I cared for you
I love you for many reasons
For staying when you should have a walk
From get-go
For fighting for me as you say.
I plead 5 on that.
But I give it to you.
Never thought I’ll meet someone worth
Fighting for
Im selfish
I want you to myself
But I can’t have you to myself

3.24.20

~PJ~

Do enjoy and let me know what you think. Going to add it to My Love Journey. God Bless

Posted in 2020, emotions, Love, My Journey, My Love Journey, poem, Poetic, Poetry, Relatonships

I need you

I need you

I need you for reasons you cant imagine
I need you on days I want to throw in the towel
I need you even when you give me hell
I need you
Baby
I need you as much as you need me.
Needing you has become part of me
Hearing your voice reminds me just how much i need you
Healing you
Is what you need
I need you
To be ready to love me
Without your past pulling you in
To be ready break down walls
Baby
I need you
Im needing You
More and more
While needing you
I’m hurting you and us
I need you
On days I’m fighting
To not express how I feel
On days saying enough can get me by
I need you
Understand
I’m struggling on you loving me
And me letting your love heal
What’s so damage
That I’m ashamed of my brokeness
I need you
2.8.9.20

~PJ~

A new poem dedicated to My Love Journey and emotions. Do enjoy an der me know what you think. God Bless

Posted in 2019, emotions, Health, Heart, Journey, My Journey, My Life, poem, Poetry

In A Crisis

My heart beating to so many emotions
I’m trying to figure if I should stay
Or go
I’m in crisis
My body betraying me
I’m losing the battle
Within myself
It out of control
I can’t come to terms with my emotions
I’m in crisis
And my frustration is at breaking point
I’m losing control
The old me returning
I’m struggling in crisis.
I’m in need of deliverance
I’m in crisis
Crying out
For help
I can’t take it any longer.
I’m in crisis
My head spinning
I’m losing control
Can you hear me?
Do you see me?
I’m losing control
My body betraying me
My emotions
Done destroyed me
I’m out of control
Yo
I’m in crisis
Can you help me?

11.8.19

~PJ~
This poem is dedicated to my life. Do enjoy and let me know what y’all think. God Bless

Posted in 2019, AWARENESS, chronic illness, God, My Journey, My Life, Sickle Cell Anemia, Sickle Cell Awareness, Update

Living With Sickle Cell Anemia

Good Morning and Welcome to My World. It’s been a while since I posted about my illness. I’m trying to do better. Today isn’t a good day. Not feeling my best. I don’t know if it’s the rain or the season change that got me hurting. Usually, I tend to go in crisis around this time every year. I have been avoiding going to the ER. I may need to put my big girl undies on and go and get check out. I had a doctor’s appointment last week. I didn’t really get blood work done and wasn’t feeling my best then. They were more concern on a check-up from the last visit when I got admitted for 8 days. And make sure my kidneys are good. No news is good news, right? She would have called me and let me know what’s what so I’m glad they are ok. Last time I went to ER let’s just say the woman nurse practitioner was an idiot. My counts were in the 7s so she going tell me I wasn’t in a crisis and was going to discharge me. I look at her and said fine. Just cause my counts shows and looks like that don’t mean anything. Let’s just say I stayed in a crisis for two whole weeks. I made sure to call sickle cell clinic to let them know what was going on and for my pain meds. I tend to go without them but when pain is bad I let them know. She wasn’t happy about the woman saying I wasn’t in crisis. The month of July did a number on me so I was trying to go cold turkey. I don’t see doctors till next year. I’m hoping I don’t need them till then. God has been good to me even on the days when in fed up with the pain. I’m thankful. I’m also thankful for y’all sticking with me, as well as the new people who have to join my journey. Bare with me, haven’t forgotten about y’all. I did read a few posts a few days ago. It’s going to take longer when I’m taking meds for my pain. Until next time. Pray all is well with each and every one. God Bless

Posted in 2019, emotions, God, Love, Love Journey, My Journey, poem, Poetic, Poetry

Pulling Me Back

I don’t want to think of you
I’m trying to let go
You keep pulling me back
I don’t want to hurt anymore
I’m trying to see my future without you
You keep pulling me back
I’m sitting here
With regret and frustration.
But deep down I know it’s you I want.
You may not be what I need.
But that’s between me and God.
You came in my life
When I was ready for love
When I needed someone
I was so ready to give up
But the way you stepped to me
Stop me in my tracks.
But you turned out to be a tornado
Destroying everything
From my walls
That been up for the past few years
I’m losing the battle
And I can’t have that.
You keep pulling me back
I’m trying to fight my feelings
My heart
Isn’t having it.
My head is saying run
I’m stuck
In my feelings
I’m trying to come to terms
With my emotions and let’s just say
You making it easy to turn my back
And walk away.
But I know deep down
I can’t just walk away
Without expressing how you make
Me feel.

8.7.19

~PJ

I have been writing a lot lately and here is one of my pieces just finish last night. Do enjoy and let me know what you think. God Bless

Posted in 2019, chronic illness, God, Health, My Journey, My Life, Prayers, Sickle Cell Anemia, Sickle Cell Awareness, Update

Update

Hello and Welcome to My World. It’s been a week since I been home from 8-day stay. God is good. I was a worry for a while. Where should I start? Come to find out the accident put me in crisis. Not sure if I mention the ride to my check up on my hip. Let’s just say that ride was hell. My body was so on fire. Let’s just say I was glad I had arrived at the doc office but not really because I had to get an x-ray and I was already hurting. It took prob 10 mins to sign in and sit and wait to be called. I saw a person dress half-naked and I was like hope she doesn’t have sickle cell. We don’t like cold. A lot goes through my mind when I’m hurting while trying not to think of my pain. I got called to let’s just say I was not happy about getting back up and walking again. Finally made it to the back and let’s just say things weren’t going good. Got on the scale and went in a room and did that good stuff. Waited quietly for nurse practitioner and we’ll let’s just say it went to hell. She walks in and was like I have never seen you like this before. Oh, and I didn’t look good. I tried to hide how I was feeling but when you in pain it was hell. So she was like can u get on the table. Let’s just say had said a prayer before got up. And it went straight to hell. I didn’t want to be touch and it turned to move and tears fell. She was like yep never seen you like this going direct admit you. Let’s just say it didn’t go that way because the hospital was full. I was in the hallway in er part for 2 hrs before got meds and let’s just say it was supposed to be iv meds and got the pill. You guess it, it didn’t work. You would think a big hospital with 9 floors would have room. But nope. Anywho our waiting 6hrs in the hall to be admitted. Finally got put on the 5floor and settle in. Guess who hadn’t eaten all day till got in room at 5 or 6? Me. I had some great nurses and doctors. Seem always do when I’m in that hospital. It’s like every few years. I stayed on 5 floors, think maybe 2days. Things started going bad and oxygen was dropping and seem my lungs weren’t looking good. I ended up with acute chest, which can kill us. After I heard that was wrong. Started to panic but just prayed and became calm and call parents to let them know what’s going on. They couldn’t be with me since dad was in the hospital. Hey, I’m grown and actually like been alone. Long as I can call them and hear there voice everything going be ok. I got a move to.9floor pcu. That’s how serious things went and quick. The doctor had asked me have I ever had acute chest and I said yes once. She was like did you have cheat pain. I said no. That was alarm and she did an x-ray and come find out she was right. I had good nurses on 9 floors. They stayed on top of pain, before getting a move to the floor. Meds had got up to iv meds. Actually when sickle cell doctor find out what board said and let the doctor know. Guess she talk to them and things got to change and quick. Been on 9floor and receiving bags and bags of antibodies. Sighs. So wasn’t happy about that. Let me be real, it had been months since had pain meds. I like to go months without my pain meds if I don’t need it. Guess body wasn’t used to it and I didn’t feel like myself. I don’t know-how made it from bed to chair get comfortable. Why do they have beds that move in the hospital? Like you have been suck in. I know what into door few times going to. bathroom. Sucks when you getting fluids as well. It’s like hey let’s go to the bathroom, even after you just went. I hate sleeping with oxygen in the nose, and when came to checking and it was low they knew why. Got to the point when I did get out bed go the bathroom I wouldn’t put it back on. Let’s move on from the depressing part. Believe I was on 9 floors 3 almost 4 days. I was glad to be leaving the floor. That means I’m out of danger. Oh almost forgot to mention hip results, everything came back ok and not damage. Just bruise. Omg, I was so happy. Few days that pain was gone, just other stuff had worry about. I moved to the 4 floors once leaving 9 one. A couple of days there and I was a free woman. Lol. On the second day when met doc n, not his partner. My room was full n had student doctors. Let’s just say I’m good on all them looking at me and the room was full. He asks was it ok and said no and he sent them out. Thank God. It’s a plus when the doctor listens to you on everything from how you feel and what you take for pain. They were surprised to find out what I had been doing for pain. I may have a serious illness, but I don’t want to be defined by it. On my good days, I don’t think of having sickle cell. You probably thinking to say what. We like being treated like we’re normal like everyone else who’s not living with chronic illness. Oh, yea almost forgot I did end up getting 1 unit of blood, let me just say I really didn’t want it because of what happened last time. Guess went good, I did scratch but that because of meds. I didn’t get blood till I was in my low 5’s and was getting headache and feeling very weak and tired. My mom had talk sense into me when it came to getting the blood. The way she did it was the only way I was going agree. What would we do without our parents? Well whew, that was a lot to type and sorry it took so long on update. My dad is doing much better, not passing out when he cough anymore. He still coughing but they have him on some meds to help with passing out. He has started his meds for his cancer as well. Well, thank you for being patient and sticking with me on this journey. God Bless until next time.