Good Moning, It’s been a while since I posted. I do pray all is well with every one of you and thanks for joining me and sticking with me thru my silence. I have been struggling since losing my ole man (dad) and my illness hasn’t been the best. I have been out and in about every month and sometimes twice in some months. I must admit surprised I haven’t given up yet. I have been writing a little here and there. I have been thinking about coming back and every time I do I never know how to start my post. seems every time I say I’m coming back it’s an update and then something happens. Life is funny like that, to be honest. The last hospital visit was a week and two days. it’s funny because I was doing good without going to the hospital or been putting in. My third month showed me doesn’t matter how you take care of yourself. Sickle Cell wins. I can take meds and do stuff like I’m supposed and still it wrecks my life without remorse. I haven’t had the chance to take my trip since June which was for my bday month before. I suppose life is funny that way. Covid doesn’t help much either. I must say I’m glad I haven’t and pray I never get it. My thoughts or everywhere. I do pray all is well with every one of you. As of right now the doctors and I or working on a way that I can stay put in the hospital. I have a home nurse that will come out to see me if I need her. It’s crazy how life slows you down when all you want to do is run away and don’t look back. It’s a holiday and my ole man’s birthday is this month. Lord, I miss him so damn much. It still feels fresh and it’ll be three years on the worse month possible. A hint: I hate Father’s Day, hell the whole damn month. Grief is a hella pain. The memories aren’t the same. I can’t hug a memory. I can’t pick up the phone and call just to hear their voice one more time. At this moment, not feeling my best. the weather is getting cold so that could be the reason. I and my body have a love and hate for it.
Questions for ya’ll. How do ya’ll handle grief? I havent fully grieve because of making myself sick. I grieve a little each time im in my hospital. Might as well since Im already sick. I honestly dont want to hear its going to get better. I dont beliee that. I have some people who lost there father longer then I have and they still grieving. Do let me know what ya’ll have done to make it little easier. Many Blessings till next time. I pray its not months later.
As I mention a few post back about meds they have me on and I would stop taking once again. Every since I stop taking, I done had less and fewer headaches. You would think they would have come out with meds just for us sickle cell patients instead of pushing the chemo meds unto us. I done tried these meds like three different times. I am damn if I stay taking it and not feeling my best. I have read the good and bad with the meds. But all I see is the bad, to be honest. This med can cover up the fact you be in crisis by making your levels look good when you not. It can make you lose your hair and also cause you to have cancer. And much more side effects. Oh yeah to top if off you not suppose to touch the meds without gloves, but they want us to take it? Ding Ding Ding, where the good at people? I don’t see it are either I just don’t care for the good. Some of the so call doctors only want to pump us with meds just to get us out of there faces. Last year I had some problems with E.R doctors. They didn’t want to do they damn job and could have cost me my life. I was seen in E.R over 10 times in one period of a month. My retic was high as I don’t know what came down to it when I was in full blown crisis, my counts were low as heck. I don’t know how I walk in that hospital but I knew for a fact I wasn’t walking out of it the same day. I was so thankful to have good E.R doctor that day. And I was on and off that meds at the time. How am I suppose focus if my head feels like it wants to explode into next week? How do you make time with your family count when all you feel is downright awful? So many questions and not enough answers. I have two doctors that’s, not in my area, but I hate to have travel long way when I’m hurting. Sitting too long in a car is so painful. You don’t have to have a sickle cell to understand where I’m coming from with that. I have been on Folic Acid since I was young and to be honest, I rarely take that med every day than to take chemo meds that give me more problems than it should. What do you do when you done gave it chance after chance, you throw in the towel with the meds and move on and live your life as best as you can. I’m either nausea all day are drained and just want to sleep. Why not correct a med just for us that may do more good than bad? It’s bad enough we having a fight with our body on the inside, but it would be nice to know someone was out there creating something to help us along this journey to live instead of giving up the fight as so many of us have. It is even nice if someone was creating a cure for it as well. Yes, I know only God can do that, just hurts to read so many losing the fight. Until next time God Bless 🙂
Poets Afterthought 